“Men lag behind this shift because they are still learning how to talk openly with their partners and connect honestly with other men. We know what to do. We just don’t know how to do it. And until that changes, where does that leave us? That’s right. It leaves us alone.”
Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.
So, I have a confession. Just recently I had a situation where I distanced myself after coming across a series of events that I just did not like. It all started with an infestation of small bugs in my kitchen, which I was easily able to handle. However, I had a headache later not hat evening and my significant other was saying things that were very agitating. Woke up that morning and of course what happened the night before spilled into the next day, which was Saturday. I went to work lackadaisical and I just didn’t get out of my own rut; what’s more, in the beginning of the day, I told her that I would be going on a media purge to stop the negative vibration from continuing. It worked, but instead it hurt her feelings and she thought it was her that was the negative vibration. Instead of just opening up and showing her how I truly felt the night before, it extended for a couple days (into Sunday morning) when it should’ve just ended Saturday morning.
This could be the sure driver to demise for all relationships. Men, especially those who come from families where stern fathers are present, aren’t able to open up as easily as women because that would make them a “bitch.”
And when men decide to open up ,they open up to the wrong person.
If anyone can recall the scene from Bad Boys II when Marcus (Martin Lawrence) sat down next to Mike (Will Smith), they would giggle. The Stoic mask was suddenly ripped right off Marcus; and instead of being a badass cop, he began talking to Mike about very personal matters, A.K.A. – Not Getting An Erection. There was a couple of other things said, but it was one of the most hilarious funny and REAL scenes I’ve ever seen. Some men just don’t open up to particular things, so they hurry up and tell the other person, “Ummmm we’re partners with boundaries.” When that happens, that particular individual who tried opening up will never do it again.
“Dr. Brené Brown, author of the bestselling book Daring Greatly, points out that this is a step toward real gender equality and fairness. “Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart,” she said, “and it’s healthy. But guys are not allowed to fall apart.”
Have you ever seen a man have an emotional breakdown? Society is becoming much more loose, thanks to the NCAA Basketball Tournament last year (and not thanks to the reporters) for shoving cameras down athletes faces after a tough loss. These athletes were crying egregiously on camera and were made fun of by those pseudo-alpha males around America – however, I believe it was a turning point for society. Men should be able to show their feelings in a very expressive way – just like women.
Who has heard of Tyrese? Yes, the star of the Fast N Furious saga literally crying like no tomorrow on either an Instagram post or Facebook. The world took by storm and told him to “man up” – so it ensues.
There are so many other examples I can use, but let’s get into the “what can I do Arsenio Buck” section of this.
What you’re doing right now is creating disease. Diseased cells that will fester and compile over a many of years. It’s creating anger. It’s creating everything that’s synonymous to my previous sentences. Expose yourself by being vulnerable.
What will be available when you drop the Stoic mask?
- Emotional freedom
A weight off your shoulders
Deeper relationships with men and women
Healing
A healthy heart
Vulnerability
The permission to feel
Acceptance and belonging
And on top of that, here are some steps from Lewis Howes book that will guide you.
Step 1: Make a list of the five most painful moments of your life. Note what happened, and how you felt in each moment. Journal about it and go into detail. (An example could be: My dad was my best friend growing up, but he abandoned me when I was 6, and it left me devastated.)
Step 2: Once you’ve journaled about these painful moments, read them out loud to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel or to cry about them when you hear your own words. Play soft instrumental music during this process to facilitate your ability to reach your emotions as you allow your feelings to awaken.
Step 3: Share them. When you have accepted the truth of this pain and all these emotions, tell a friend, partner, or family member whom you trust. Part of removing the Stoic Mask is allowing other people to support you. The only way they can do that is if they know what’s going on. I’m a big believer that anyone who has experienced trauma in their past (and hasn’t ever discussed it with someone) will allow the trauma to grow in negative ways. You won’t be able to heal until you begin to share your story.
Step 4: Look into hiring a coach, therapist, or someone who is a specialist. Once you’ve shared your pain, you need to find someone who has experience with helping people understand their emotions and get comfortable with them. For those who really struggle behind the Stoic Mask, this is serious work and it requires a serious approach. But it is work that can start today, right now, with a piece of paper ”
Excerpt From: Lewis Howes. “The Mask of Masculinity.” iBooks.
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